Setting Boundaries in Relationships is an exceptionally fashionable topic and there is no wonder, because if you don’t do it, you meet other people’s expectations instead of your own and build relationships in which you don’t really want to be.
If you do not know what boundaries are, the easiest way to imagine it is that it is a circle in which your goals, values, sense of security and self-respect are closed. When someone enters this sphere with dirty shoes and without an invitation, this is the moment to say, “Hey! You’re crossing DilMil.co the line! ”,“ I don’t like what you’re doing ”,“ It’s not okay for me ”.
How to set boundaries? Three rules
Setting boundaries is nothing more than talking about your expectations, priorities and when you stop feeling comfortable. How should it be done?
Rule 1: Setting boundaries starts right away
An extremely common source of relationship problems is Boundaries in Relationships accepting things that you don’t really want to accept.
He has a wife, he is aggressive, he does not want to bond, he has problems with addictions.
She has a shaky psyche, is a living example of learned helplessness, she likes drama, is jealous and possessive.
You don’t like it, but you start to think about the potential of this relationship and find that you will see how it develops. Maybe she’ll suddenly become an entrepreneurial guru, DilMil he’ll really leave his wife, and someone who hasn’t seen the need to work on himself for the past 25 years is now going to change.
The problem is that the chances of this are extremely slim and, not to mention that you don’t like it, you are actually agreeing to the deal. Do you really want to do this? If not, you have to tell about it as soon as you feel that something is happening that you do not accept.
Principle 2: There is no need to justify setting boundaries
Imagine that your adored aunt comes to you. Five dozen on the back of her neck, divorce passed, the first husband cheated on her, the second is an alcoholic, and still something Boundaries in Relationships tells her that she really knows relationships. Now he gives you advice on how to organize your life.
At this point, you want to tell her to put together her own better and remind her of all the failures she has done so far.
This is some kind of borderline, because it will rather get to my aunt that you don’t want to talk about it. It’s just that the purpose of setting limits is not to argue and argue, but to talk about what matters to you.
When someone suggests you do something outside of your responsibilities, just say you have other plans. The aunt can be told that this is your private matter and such a statement closes the topic completely.
You don’t have to justify your boundaries, bid on others who have better boundaries, or explain yourself. If what you are doing is the result of your conscious decision, no one else will. Dot.
Principle 3: The boundaries are set firmly
I once had a couple of roommates. He periodically set up accounts on dating websites, and when she found out about it, she made a fuss about him. She kept saying that you couldn’t treat anyone like that, and he apologized. Then she forgave him, and after a while the procedure Boundaries in Relationships was repeated.
She thought she was setting the boundaries under the title “We have each other exclusive and we look for no one else,” but she was actually throwing words to the wind. The only cost of crossing its borders was the necessity to buy a bouquet of roses from Lidl and saying: “I will never do it again”.
Only it is worth knowing that borders are not something that is talked about, but also something that you can defend yourself if no one respects them.
This is self-evident in many circumstances. – Boundaries in Relationships
If you do not get paid for work, you are looking for a different job.
You want to develop, and in your company you can only. Make coffee with milk instead of Americano, you are looking for other possibilities.
If you want a monogamous relationship. When the other person needs sex with other people to be happy. You can talk about it once or twice, but if it doesn’t work, you turn on your heel.
You can argue about whether to hang toilet paper with leaves on the wall or outside, or to go to the mountains or the sea on vacation, or how to finish the apartment, but you have to agree or part with it in fundamental matters.
Why do so many people struggle to set limits?
This setting of boundaries sounds easy, but few people find it natural.
Some people don’t know what they want, so they give in to people whose expectations are more precise. It also happens that they consider someone else’s needs more justified and taking care of themselves a crime . For example, they believe that parents and relatives have a right to interfere in their personal lives, or that workers with children have a greater right to rest, as if they themselves Boundaries in Relationships were an inferior species.
However, the most common reason is that they don’t understand what creating a relationship is all about. They take the absurd view that they are about matching and fighting. So when someone does not want to take even a small step towards them, they have to grit their teeth and go all the way.
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Only it is not so. People are different. They can want completely different things. They can be fantastic people, but with needs that will run wild with your priorities, like a puppy’s paws on a slippery floor.
One of the things everyone should understand is that by setting limits and letting go of such people. Nothing is lost. On the contrary – by doing this you are building the Boundaries in Relationships. Life you really want to have, and not everyone will fit into it is really not your problem.